It's been 8 years, why do I still carry all this guilt around with me? Maybe its shame? I really don't what it is but it's an ugly feeling. Really ugly.
I'm a grown woman now. It's been a year since I've started working and i love it. I feel different. I feel independent. Yet, there is always something that keeps me down.
A girl at work recently said to me, "I've never met someone like you before!" I asked her "How? In what way?" She told me, "Even though we're nearly the same age, marat ashofech chinnech waaayed a9qar mini! A7esech wayed naïve and innocent, ma tiwaqa3t fi banat chithi hal ayam! Leman the girls ili ma3ana isolfon 3an shabab oo intay tkoneen ga3da marat widi agolohom yasketon la2ana Jude under age, mabehom igolon chithi jidamech oo ifat7on i3yonech. I feel like i need to protect you sometimes madri laish. Jude wallah don't ever change.." Ma3araft arid 3alaiha. Since I'm forced to meet new people at work, I've noticed that this is how nearly all of them feel about me. I'm innocent and naïve. It's not necessarily a bad thing, but it’s a lie. I may be stupid and naïve but I'm barely innocent. 9ij, when the girls talk about guys, I shut up and listen, I have nothing to input into the conversations. It's all new and amusing to me. I've never experienced any of that with Fahad. Our relationship was anything but normal.
A good friend at work marra gali "Mashallah mashallah, ya ba5ta ili bya5thech, wallah he's gonna be one of the few lucky men in the world."
I was going to my cousins wedding a few weeks ago and I told another girl at work about it. She told me "Ana bas bafham, ohwa 3amay wila mayshof wila shino?" I laughed, gitlaha "Laish smillah 3alaih?" "Al7een intay, his cousin, jidama oo wala ifaker feech. Wallah law ana 3indi i5wan chan 5a6betech 7ag wa7ed minhom minziman. Fi a7ad yelga wa7da mithlech oo iro7 idawer qairech?" Gitlaha "Babe it's not like that, kilish we're not into each other!"
The thing is, when all these people tell you how amazing you are every day and you know deep down that you're not, this is when you allow shame to take over. I'm unhappy with myself and my life. I've started self medicating and I know it’s the worst thing to do but I can't bring myself to stop.
It's been 8 years and I still feel just as dirty and disgusting.
That really sucks, bes ana mo fahma why you feel guilty, what'd you do?
ReplyDeleteYeah, you should finish your confessions 3shan n3arf laish kl hal guilt!
ReplyDelete7ub-wla.blogspot.com
7abebty intai taghyrtay ur a new girl now !!
ReplyDeleteBas khala9 khalay all ur past go o blshai 7ayat ydeeda latg3den tathkren ilbad things !!
O now ihma ygolon good things about u cuz u are good o ur a gr8 person ba3ad !!
Khala9 ra7 ilmathy o intai now ghair 3an awal o mako shakh9 kamil maykh6y !!
ilkil yakh6y bs ilma7thoth ili y3arf ghal6a o y9al7a o yghyr 7ayata lil afthal !!
Dayman awal matgomen il9b7 see ur face bil manthara o smile o golai il7mdla ini 3aysha o smile o golai inshallah this day is gana be gr8 ;*
no need to feel guilty on what already has happened in the past. You cannot erase what has happened in your moment of weakness, what you really should do is just put it behind you and never look back on your teen actions
ReplyDeleteLive your life and don't wast it in feeling guilty .I will eat you . So yeah stop it as soon as you could !
ReplyDeleteomg jude wallah im reading the post ou imn tearing babe maku insan mayaghle6 u were young so what? no one is perfect now ur having a new life u work enjoy it latfakreen bel past chthy ulll kill ur seld alive!
ReplyDeleteget over it ur a great girl kfaya uve been changed in a better way fahad ghal6a latkhaleen 7aaytch toufag 3alaih 7abeebty;*
cnt wait for the next post and promise ill be here waitingg;*
It feels like u want to inhale soo much air and feel it in ur entire lungs but u can't because of this feeling right? its very wrong to let it take over. Just let it go don't carry the burden with uu.
ReplyDeleteIt doesn't matter who you used to be!
ReplyDeleteI mean, it was who you USED to be! People change! You did!
Close that door of fahad and whatnot, it will be difficult to forget I'm not gonna say it's easy and all.. It's gonna be difficult cuz when you know a person so much that you confide and trust in them and then they just throw that all away and take it for granted only to please their selfish selves, theyre bound to leave a scar somewhere and you are most likely to remember it but don't forget that you've got people that love you here and weve got your back. But I think you're really strong to be able to talk about it. I still don't understand what happened though cuz I'm waiting for the rest of your confessions, when you're ready were ready. Can't wait, stay strong :*
dnt worry i do feel the same feeling as u do hay shay 6bee3ee bs when ur a tean yn8a9 3leich bsr3a and u have to talk to a guy and fall inlove with him or a crush hay shay 6abee3ee thats wat teens do ,, anyways ana i laugh now ena shloon i used to be like that how could i be so dumb and so on elmuhum wat im trying is to say is that the past is the past and u cnt change it but u changed thats all matters so dont worry about it and dont feel guilty u r innocent;*
ReplyDeleteohh yeah and if u need anything to talk about i will be here for u and i'll help u ;*and plz finish the story ;P love ya
ReplyDeletehm i dont understand the language. but you did something wrong. What to do leave it and live present
ReplyDeletebe happy =)
ReplyDeletewe wanna know! *muthaharat*
ReplyDeleteContinue 3ashan nense7ech wallah sara7tan im obssesed with your life story! Entay kamlay so you would let it all out w teftekein w im sure we will all stand with you and help you with it ma7ed beykoun thedech! All of us ebkoun young w naive w ensawy ashya'a we dont mean or we dont want them to actually happen bas thats life and theres a first time for everything! All you have to do is to open up w kamlay what you started(elqessa) w then we will recommened stuff and help you bas lazem we know the case 3adel first ao place continue my dear.
ReplyDelete-N23
I'm not sure what you're talking about so i have to keep reading your old posts but i can feel your pain
ReplyDeleteEvery little mistake plays a role in making us who we are today... The question isn't why you are feeling guilty till now, the questions is are you proud of who rou are now... If you are, leave all your guilt to the past and abuse each experience you lived for the future... if you are not proud of who you are right now, work on improving yourself so that one day you will be... And one last thing which i bet you know already, a way to start a new chapter is by completing the previous one so to really feel you finally have a new life you shouldnt leave anything hanging such as your unfinished story, its like an uncompleted puzzle... Let it all out to your readers and be done with it so that you can finally see where your standing instead of standing there blindly. Love You, you are very talented and i can tell your a descent person because if you werent you wouldn't be this concerned about the truth <3
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